I feel like my life has always been going around in circles. Every time something good happened, some obstacle decided to bomb it all away. Like when I first got my biological father back when I was six, he disappeared without a word after a summer. Or when I got into NYU with a full-ride scholarship, living the dream with my parents, a month later, all became the darkest time of my life. For the longest, I believe I am cursed. Curse that I am not supposed to be with anyone, curse that I am destined to be alone. That is why I always kept myself far away from everyone.
Not because I don't want to connect, but because I was afraid that my curse, my chaos, would damage someone in the process, like how it took my parents away. Therefore, in the past few years, I have done everything possible to isolate myself. I avoided celebrating any holidays; I made excuses to attend any after-work parties; I kept a distance from all my friends, and I tried not to love anyone, never completely. But then, a magical night happened, I saw a light in this guy on the street of Barcelona. His smile has hotwired my flatlined heart rate. And now, I have fallen madly in love with him. The times I have spent with him have made me feel content.
A feeling that I have not felt in ages. Every moment I spent with him was paradise. From us exploring all the Disney parks, waiting for the NASA launch, watching the Lion King, traveling all over Florida, enjoying our Sunday routine, running all over town to catch pokemon, getting all nervous before walking into his parents' house, looking like a complete idiot on the ski trail, and making all these sweet love every chance we get. Somehow, I have forgotten all about my curse. He has completely changed my life. He makes me believe that we will have a great future together. I prayed and prayed every day, hoping that one day he would ask me to move to Spain with me. And I told God that if he does, I promise with every fiber in my body that I will drop everything and run to him. And now that he had, I don't understand why the world makes it so difficult for me, for us. I have been applying for jobs nonstop like a madman, but all I've gotten so far is rejection after rejection. I hate being stuck in this town. I hate that I am not physically there for him. I hate that I feel like I have let him down somehow. If I had known I would have eventually met him, I would have taken my Spanish class seriously since middle school. I would have started applying to graduate school and jobs on the day I met him. And now, every day, I feel an enormous to-do list waiting for me to catch up. I am trying my best to tackle all the tasks as quickly as possible, but I still feel like I am failing. I feel like I am failing him, and I fear that at any point, my curse will be reactivated again because I am destined to be alone.
In the last three months, I was scared that I might have prostate cancer, and in my head, I was like, this is it, this is the curse. But then, my doctor fixed me. I was nervous that perhaps he is not ready to give up his independence, and that he wouldn't want me to move in with me. But then, he proved me wrong. And now, this whole work visa. I don't understand why life can't throw me a bone. I just want to love him, treasure him. Marry or not, I just want to love him each and every day for the rest of my life. So if any higher power up on cloud nine is reading this, please grant me this one wish: moving back home where my heart belongs.
