Happy St. Valentine's Day

St. Valentine's day, a day of full mysterious history and stories, but in the modern days, it is known to be a day to celebrate love, particularly in romance. On this day, it is easy to spot who the people are single or coupled by the number of gifts or flowers they receive or the sum of hateful memes they post on social media about how much they find this day to be repulsive. I have had some experience to celebrate this romantic day in the past with my failed relationships. But looking back, none were exactly "sweeping off my feet." However, I always seemed to know how to sweep theirs. And to be honest, I can't even remember what we did to celebrate St. Valentine's day. I think there were some dinner plans, or maybe watch a movie at home, but that's about it. Again, my feet were never swept. Perhaps we only celebrated it was due to the social norm and the label of relationship. Therefore, it would seem improper not to observe this social holiday. Or maybe the reason why I was never excited about it was the feeling of not feeling anything. It was like being penetrated by a two inches penis; no matter how hard he pounds, you just can't feel a thing. It leaves an awful taste to your soul. Therefore, over time, I become disinterested in it. 

This year was notably different. It is the first time ever I had to celebrate St. Valentine's Day from a long distance. So, I knew I had to be creative, especially the birthday gift that I got him didn't seem to work out as well as the way I envisioned it (that is another story). I started researching for ideas and presents three weeks ahead of time. I've looked through hundreds of European websites, delivery services companies, and searched many romantic movie quotes that I can use as a love note. Finally, I've found what I think to be the perfect gift for him. Throughout this whole week, I have been teasing him about what it is about to come. However, just like any first-time sexual encounter, no matter how much you prepare, it always has some bumps along the way. For a whole week, I have been picturing the look on his face when he finally receives the big love package — imagining how the delivery man will surprise him out of nowhere and hand-delivered my regalos to him. However, some got delivered a day early, and some is missing a note. In the end, all's well, ends well. He received all the gifts and enjoyed each of them. Seeing that smile on his face was pure joy for me, I felt so warm looking at his selfies with the gifts I got him. But little did I know he also has a plan of his own. 

Javi is a talented artist. His hands are very gifted in so many ways that they can transcend the cartridge paper and my body into a work of art. His creative talent is one of the many characteristics that is why I fall in love with him. Turnout, his Valentine's Day's gift for me, is his drawing. As I see how tiresome he gets and how much work he put into it, it makes my silly presents seem minimal. Because he is a perfectionist, he didn't want to show me what he had so far on the day of Valentine. But, looking at how he was trying to make it perfect, he has gotten my feet swept. I never have anyone who always seems to know how I think and what I want.

Watching how much effort Javi put into the drawing got me to realize that I had never received such a meaningful gift, which can touch my heart. Because the gifts I received in the past were just objects that I can buy on my own, it doesn't necessarily have a sentimental value to them. Growing up from a single-parent household, I often felt neglected when it comes to feeling loved. My mom would generally give me twenty bucks as presents for any occasion. There was never a birthday dinner, thanksgiving meal, Christmas tradition, etc. I think it was her way to protect me from not being reminded that our family was not wholesome. And because of it, I often found gifts without effort is meaningless. However, does that mean my exes had never put in effort into the gifts they bought? No, but somehow I never felt the sentiment behind them. What I desire isn't something that can be purchased. For someone who grew up from a broken home, what I genuinely fancy for is the simple thing in life, those small gestures that show this person understands me and recognize the only thing I need is affection.  

A drawing that he had worked on for days and sleepless nights, it shows I matter to him. He somehow knew that I would much prefer his artworks than anything else in the world because that drawing represents his love for me. Love cannot be bought. You either do or don't. When he had finally shown me his finished masterpiece, it immediately brought me to tear, even now, as I am reliving the memory. He drew the animated version of us, holding hands, with me walking in the front as if I am leading him to our many adventures. It was simple, straightforward, innocent; it is us. For the longest, I felt alone walking on my path, searching aimlessly for something that cannot be bought. In all my relationships - friendship, family, romance, not once had I truly felt comforting that I am not walking alone on this path that we called life. Somehow he knows what I want, and need is pure love. That pure, innocent love that can bring back a dead man back to life. Like Snow White woke up from her slumber by a true love kiss from Prince Charming. Or Belle turned the Beast back to his human form with her love. That's the power of his love, his masterpiece. He shows me that I am no longer walking alone by myself. Since I was a kid, I often imagined myself trapped inside a cargo box, sunk deep in the ocean, and desperately hoping for someone who can reach far enough into the sea and pull me up. Today, he did precisely that. He knew how lonely I have been; understood the agony I endure; realized despite my hard, thorny carapace, all I want is to be held and told that it is all fine now, now the nightmare is finally over. For the longest, I felt like I am homeless within my world, but now I am home. I like doing house chores with him because it makes me feel like we are taking care of our home. That apartment is more than just a roof over my head. It is a place where I feel the safest. When I am wrapped around in his arms, I feel protected. And that is what I intend to do for him every day. I wish my parents were still here to witness the joy I am experiencing and to know what an amazing man he is. I know they would be proud and feel at peace, knowing that I have found my one true valentine. Maybe someway, somehow, they are the ones who found him and guided him to me. So their lonely son will no longer be homeless anymore. 

Jealousy

"Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from fear of abandonment to rage and humiliation. It strikes people of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations, and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or imagined." Psychology Today. "Jealousy." https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/jealousy. 

It is a common emotion that many people have experienced before. It can be sibling rivalry, workplace resentment, or even envy between friends. Some can hide it well; some would displace it all and shower those they see to be their enemies with their grasping greeny gas. The type of jealousy that is the easiest to spot is the one between romantic relationships. Many people would claim that jealousy is a toxic substance that can damage the bond. However, evolutionary psychologists argue that jealousy is a necessity as a form of signal to flag that a valued relationship is in peril and need to take steps of measure to nurture it back to its former glory. Therefore, this toxic greeny feeling in actuality is healthy for a couple to breathe in because it preserves the bond and motivates the partners to engage in behaviors that can strengthen and maintain their relationship. Psychology Today. "Jealousy." https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/jealousy. Although psychologists found jealousy to be healthy, I am very certain they meant for couples only to take the right amount of dosage. It's like milk. One glass a day can keep your bone strong, but drink too much can cause mortality or other health risks. 

Now, you must be wondering who is the jealous one in my relationship. Is it me, the Asian model who poses nearly naked all the time, or the hot nerd who screamed at his monitor saying La Puta. The verdict is me. It turns out I am the jealous one. But what or who am I jealous of, you ask? Is it the imaginary puppy from the future who will have all his affection, love, and attention? Or, the hoe who used to linger around him and made constant moves on him. And now, he is being invited back to our home with a group of friends. As we discussed that topic nearly an hour, to a point, my head was starting to explode, and my veins were beginning to pop. He questioned if he should have kept that particular secret from the past to himself. The truth is, one of the few reasons why I can trust him is because of his unfiltered brutal honesty. He rarely stops to wonder how the other person would feel if he/she learns the truth. Because he believes knowing the truth is always better living in the dark. I have seen many times how he stood up for himself or others if he believes that he is right. And for that, I will always love that veracious man. The thing is, it is not that I don't trust him fighting against temptation. It is that I DO NOT TRUST NO HOE. Let's be real here. Many of us have seen a girl or guy who had hit on a hot guy or girl, even knowing they have a significant other. Especially in the gay world, it's not like the gays are known to have the highest moral standard. I have seen many of my friends let random men plow their brownie hole on the dance floor. Both of my besties were banned from a spa because they got caught getting pounded by another gay couple. The other day I was watching this gay cruise ship documentary, I saw how those ship workers looking disgusted as they mopped the dried cum and lube off the decks and picked up used condoms that have shit stink with tongs. It is like watching the horror version of Titanic, where Rose told Jack, "You jump, I jump." Except, in this case, Randy is telling Jerome, "You cum, I dump." If this is what the gays are capable of, then seducing and stealing boyfriends is a piece of cake, especially for a greedy bottom. Let's not forget, we douche every time before we get on the saddle, at least the good ones do. 

But am I really jealous of some silly little hoe, or am I afraid that the man of my dream may get stolen away? Whenever I finished a photo shoot, I normally would post and promote the works on my Instagram. I never post any of my modeling pictures on my actual account. I usually post it as a story because it will delete itself after 24 hours. But during those time frames, I would get all kinds of direct messages from unknown followers. Many times is just a respectful heart emoji or one-word compliment. The others are more flirtatious or writing me an actual love note; some have even sent me dick or hole pic. Thanks to modern-day technology, it allows me to filter them out. But I always wonder, my profile is evident that I have a boyfriend whom I love dearly, and yet people would still try to get a shot at me. Even with me telling the world that I only belong to one man still doesn't stop the unsolicited dick pic, what is there to stop an actual human being whom he had a connection with to make a pass at him? I am nervous that someone will try to find that perfect moment, swoop in, and take him away from me. I am even more scared that he will eventually get worn down by the temptations and abandon me behind. 

As I am now counting down the weeks I have left here in New York, I am still, in fact, anxious about moving to Spain. Yes, every fiber in my body is aching to be with him already. I want to love him every day with action. I want to see his perfect smile every morning when I open my eyes. I want to be there to hug and cuddle whenever he feels stress. I want to give him multiple nonstop mind-blowing orgasms until he begs me to stop. But, I worry about the immigration status, finding works, language barriers, and starting over. But those are not my biggest concern. My biggest fear is that I may become too much of a burden for him to bear. And we may end up fighting, resenting each other's decision, and having him to wanting me out. I am very convinced that he is the guy who I will love for the rest of my life. But I am worried that he may fall out of love with me. So I guess, my jealousy is not about he may end up fucking another guy (although I am very concerned about that), but he may end up loving someone else who he thinks is a better fit — another Spaniard who has it easier than me; with less past damages, and less complication. If only he has an x-ray version, then perhaps he will see inside this badass personality shell is just a guy wanting to try his very best to become the best man he can be for him. So one day, he will deem him worthy enough to call him husband.