Jealousy

"Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from fear of abandonment to rage and humiliation. It strikes people of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations, and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or imagined." Psychology Today. "Jealousy." https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/jealousy. 

It is a common emotion that many people have experienced before. It can be sibling rivalry, workplace resentment, or even envy between friends. Some can hide it well; some would displace it all and shower those they see to be their enemies with their grasping greeny gas. The type of jealousy that is the easiest to spot is the one between romantic relationships. Many people would claim that jealousy is a toxic substance that can damage the bond. However, evolutionary psychologists argue that jealousy is a necessity as a form of signal to flag that a valued relationship is in peril and need to take steps of measure to nurture it back to its former glory. Therefore, this toxic greeny feeling in actuality is healthy for a couple to breathe in because it preserves the bond and motivates the partners to engage in behaviors that can strengthen and maintain their relationship. Psychology Today. "Jealousy." https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/jealousy. Although psychologists found jealousy to be healthy, I am very certain they meant for couples only to take the right amount of dosage. It's like milk. One glass a day can keep your bone strong, but drink too much can cause mortality or other health risks. 

Now, you must be wondering who is the jealous one in my relationship. Is it me, the Asian model who poses nearly naked all the time, or the hot nerd who screamed at his monitor saying La Puta. The verdict is me. It turns out I am the jealous one. But what or who am I jealous of, you ask? Is it the imaginary puppy from the future who will have all his affection, love, and attention? Or, the hoe who used to linger around him and made constant moves on him. And now, he is being invited back to our home with a group of friends. As we discussed that topic nearly an hour, to a point, my head was starting to explode, and my veins were beginning to pop. He questioned if he should have kept that particular secret from the past to himself. The truth is, one of the few reasons why I can trust him is because of his unfiltered brutal honesty. He rarely stops to wonder how the other person would feel if he/she learns the truth. Because he believes knowing the truth is always better living in the dark. I have seen many times how he stood up for himself or others if he believes that he is right. And for that, I will always love that veracious man. The thing is, it is not that I don't trust him fighting against temptation. It is that I DO NOT TRUST NO HOE. Let's be real here. Many of us have seen a girl or guy who had hit on a hot guy or girl, even knowing they have a significant other. Especially in the gay world, it's not like the gays are known to have the highest moral standard. I have seen many of my friends let random men plow their brownie hole on the dance floor. Both of my besties were banned from a spa because they got caught getting pounded by another gay couple. The other day I was watching this gay cruise ship documentary, I saw how those ship workers looking disgusted as they mopped the dried cum and lube off the decks and picked up used condoms that have shit stink with tongs. It is like watching the horror version of Titanic, where Rose told Jack, "You jump, I jump." Except, in this case, Randy is telling Jerome, "You cum, I dump." If this is what the gays are capable of, then seducing and stealing boyfriends is a piece of cake, especially for a greedy bottom. Let's not forget, we douche every time before we get on the saddle, at least the good ones do. 

But am I really jealous of some silly little hoe, or am I afraid that the man of my dream may get stolen away? Whenever I finished a photo shoot, I normally would post and promote the works on my Instagram. I never post any of my modeling pictures on my actual account. I usually post it as a story because it will delete itself after 24 hours. But during those time frames, I would get all kinds of direct messages from unknown followers. Many times is just a respectful heart emoji or one-word compliment. The others are more flirtatious or writing me an actual love note; some have even sent me dick or hole pic. Thanks to modern-day technology, it allows me to filter them out. But I always wonder, my profile is evident that I have a boyfriend whom I love dearly, and yet people would still try to get a shot at me. Even with me telling the world that I only belong to one man still doesn't stop the unsolicited dick pic, what is there to stop an actual human being whom he had a connection with to make a pass at him? I am nervous that someone will try to find that perfect moment, swoop in, and take him away from me. I am even more scared that he will eventually get worn down by the temptations and abandon me behind. 

As I am now counting down the weeks I have left here in New York, I am still, in fact, anxious about moving to Spain. Yes, every fiber in my body is aching to be with him already. I want to love him every day with action. I want to see his perfect smile every morning when I open my eyes. I want to be there to hug and cuddle whenever he feels stress. I want to give him multiple nonstop mind-blowing orgasms until he begs me to stop. But, I worry about the immigration status, finding works, language barriers, and starting over. But those are not my biggest concern. My biggest fear is that I may become too much of a burden for him to bear. And we may end up fighting, resenting each other's decision, and having him to wanting me out. I am very convinced that he is the guy who I will love for the rest of my life. But I am worried that he may fall out of love with me. So I guess, my jealousy is not about he may end up fucking another guy (although I am very concerned about that), but he may end up loving someone else who he thinks is a better fit — another Spaniard who has it easier than me; with less past damages, and less complication. If only he has an x-ray version, then perhaps he will see inside this badass personality shell is just a guy wanting to try his very best to become the best man he can be for him. So one day, he will deem him worthy enough to call him husband.