comedy

I've heard that the funnier you are, the more pain you have endured. If you look at some of the most famous comedians now or in the past, what they have in common is a painful past. Yet, they all somehow have risen above and turned their misery into comedy. I personally think I am funny. I throw harmless shade at people as much as I can daily, because it makes people laugh. I like being known as the funny teacher, or the straight-up ratchet advisor, or the dumb shady friend. Because the way I am usually makes people laugh, and I truly enjoy that. Seeing them laugh makes me laugh, because then I, too, can tell myself that I have risen above all my sorrows.

But then, sometimes being the funny guy can have a double-edged sword effect. Because people forgot underneath all these jokes and laughter, a guy is hoping for someone who can get to know him on a deeper level, understanding where his comedy comes from, and reminding him how to be vulnerable again. I don't know how other comedians do it, but each of my jokes is like a shield, protecting me from my pain. There was a time I didn't think I could survive the pain and the chaos, but then something funny happened. I was watching some show for school; there was a scene with the character taking a dump in the middle of the living room, and it shocked the heck out of her family. I busted out laughing, hard. And with that, I survived another night of not killing myself. It was then that I started watching a lot of comedic shows, movies, and YouTube clips, copying their style and mannerisms. Eventually, my friends started laughing around me. Gradually, the thought of wanting to end it all had slowly faded away. But the pain remains, just deep in the pit of my bottomless broken heart.

So what exactly is so bad that made me want to kill myself, you asked. If you have to guess, probably my childhood, right? Although my upbringing was never perfect, I enjoyed many aspects of it. What made me want to die is death itself. For the longest, I feel like death keeps chasing me and taking the people around me away. By the age of 25, I had already seen 4 deaths. One was a friend, one was a friend's lover, and two were my parents. For a while, I felt like I was death itself, and the only way to stop it was by ending my own life. I purposely tried not to get close to anyone. I intentionally pushed away my ex, my friends, and anyone that I crossed path with, because i was afraid i may hurt them, or worse, i may kill them. But like I said, something happened, and that was comedy. After college, I worked as a youth advisor at a social service agency. I witnessed all these beat-up teens coming into my office searching for help and hope. Trying hard to forget how shitty their life is. So, I made it my mission to be funny around them. Helping them laugh has become my purpose. Because each time they laugh, it feels like their lifespan just got a bit longer and death has taken another step backward away from me.....

To be continued