My love for Javi has evolved to a new level that I have never experienced before. As I was explaining to my friend about my upcoming plan in moving to Spain, I realized I really have decided to move and to be with a man that I met over one night a year ago! So I reflected on what makes Javi different than all the other guys I have ever dated or encountered. What makes him so special that I consider him as my one and only soulmate? That is because, for the first time in my life, I actually see a future with another person. I feel alive and content whenever I am with him. His presence only provides me a shield of comforting feeling that I have never felt before. His love has inspired me to unpack my past, so I can become an even better person for him and for us. And the sex... my goodness, that mind-blowing sex! Making love with him makes porn seems like a PG cartoon. It was like back when you were a virgin, picturing how amazing your first time would be like, and when it finally happened, it was exactly how you pictured it. That is what I feel every time when he touches me, kisses, holds me...etc.
Clearly, I am no virgin, and yes, I have been in relationships before. In fact, the longest relationship I have been in was over 5 years, we lived together for 4. His name is Andy. Andy was a really nice guy. He was very sweet to my parents, especially my mom. He actually considered my mom as his own. That is because, throughout our relationship, his parents did not accept his sexuality. In fact, every time when his mom called him on the phone, Andy would've told me to hide in the other room. As if the scent of my gayness would travel through the phone line all the way to Romania. Therefore, my mom tried to overcompensate what he's lacking by giving him more affection. Andy and I were very different. I am more in touch with human emotion, vs. he prefers to communicate with the computer. However, over time, we did change a lot. We both grew to understand each other. That is also because we have gone through a lot of ups and downs together. He was there for both of my parents' death. Andy was there by my side every step of the way. From doctor visits to arranging the funeral. Many had thought that he and I would eventually end up together. But not once, have I ever considered him as my soulmate, and I knew he feels the exact same thing. There was love, but it wasn't romantic love. It was more like two best friends had become brothers that type of love. The only reason why we were together for so long was because of my parents. And it would have hurt them for them to see us broken up. I still remember after we buried our mother, we went home, sat in the living room, and didn't speak. No TV, no small talk, no nothing. Looking into the empty space in silence. It was then we finally realized we had stopped being a couple a long time ago. All the chaos that has been going on, it clouded our eyes. It prevented us from seeing the truth, which is we don't belong together. Long story short, sometime after, we decided to break up in the middle of the New York street, and then we have never spoken to each other ever again.
After my relationship with Andy, I didn't really date anyone, nor did I want to. I found meeting guys were more like job interviews. You have to put up a front to make a good impression for a stranger that you most likely don't even want to see again. Plus, because of my past, my long, complicated, tragic past. For the longest, I've always believed no one can possibly understand or even remotely relate to what I have gone through. So in many ways, I've always felt alone, even in relationships, just like with Andy. Until I met my next ex, Tae. I met Tae in Vegas. He was my masseur, who I ended up having a meaningless encounter. But I was intrigued by his profession, so we kept exchanging messages. He told me about his past and how he ended up doing what he does professionally.
I felt related to what he went through in life. We bounded based on our shared, painful memories. Eventually, that bound has evolved into a relationship. Even from the beginning, deep down, I knew this relationship was like a minefield. But part of me felt like I had to save him. And so, I did exactly that. I moved him from Vegas to New York, helped him find a job, enrolled him into college, paid off his debt. Tae was grateful to everything I had done for him, but his thanks were very physical. What people didn't know was that during that 9 months relationship, I was a victim of domestic violence. Tae has anger management problems and semi borderline. He does not know how to process emotions, plus he is a bodybuilder who injects steroids regularly. Put the two things together, it creates a dangerous monster. Every little thing can easily set him off. At first, it started with just verbal abuse. He would call me names or said something very disrespectful. But then he would quickly apologize and tell me how much he loved me. After we moved in, that verbal abuse has evolved to physical, with him throwing objects at me. It started with just a pillow. One time I came home from dance practice, as soon as I walked in the door, he threw the couch pillow straight to my head. He was angry that I was out so late and left him at home all by himself. Then a month later, he was slamming the cabinets, pushing me to the couch, using his body weight to pin me down and accidentally knocking over the coffee mug to the ground. He started crying very hard because he felt sorry for his uncontrollable action. He began to get psychotherapy treatment afterward then realized he shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. But because he didn't have anywhere to live, we remained as roommates. One night, he saw I had installed a dating app on my phone, he went into his beast mode again. He slapped the phone off my hand, and when I tried to confront him, he slammed my body to the wall and choked my neck with his arm. I kept trying to shake him off, but it was no use. He slammed my head to the wall a few times as he was choking me. Finally, he stopped, and he blamed me for making him do this to me. That night, I went back to my room, locked my door, and prayed for morning to come. The next day, I saw a massive bruise on my neck. It was then I realized I was no savior, I was a victim of a horrific relationship. Fast forward to the end of this relationship, Tae ended up moving out of my apartment and moved back to the West Coast.
At this point, you can probably understand how I have become very cynical about the idea of romance. Almost every man that I have encountered is either a robot or a monster. On top of that, you also have all these mediocre white men who only desire you because you are just another Asian with a nice piece of ass. They see you as nothing but a toy for them to own. They see themselves as the superior race and act as the savior of all minorities. But then, the society we live in also reinforce that mentality. We see minorities fight one another just so they can be with an average white man or woman. If you observe closely at any club, you will see many gay minorities often play a particular role just so they can be more attractive to the white race. Some may say this is all just an assumption; I call it an observation. So yes, I do have a few admirers here in New York, but none are partner material for my taste. Whenever I was being asked out on a date, I usually use my kids as an excuse. So just, I don't have to give a follow-up answer. I believed romantic love was nothing but a myth or a lottery. The chances that you can actually find a guy who fits into everything you look for is down to zero. That is until I met him, the one I consider my soulmate, Javi.
If you have to ask what is my biggest fear, I would say it is being abandoned. I still remember back when I was in high school, I was going through manic depression. That is because I did not understand why my biological father has three sons, but he chose me to leave behind. I was always trying to figure out what is wrong with me. For the longest, I wanted to confront him and force him to give me an explanation. But then thanks to counseling and my late dad, I learned to let go of him. But that abandonment feeling has already scarred me, it is like a parasite buried deep under our consciousness. Making us think and act in ways that will eventually lead us to doom. So whenever I was involved with anyone romantically, I often plan for a breakup. Because the only way to not feel abandon is to desert the people you may have feelings for first. However, with Javi, I learned to rebuild my entire foundation and beliefs on love and relationship. Let's face it, not even he and I had foreseen we can last up to now. We are talking about two strangers from two different cities and two different worlds, who met up for one night, 7 hours at most. To say feeling skeptical is an understatement. But then the way how he and I act are all based on these unexplainable emotions. From the night we met, to him visiting New York, us traveling to Florida, and to now, us living together. The first time I realized I have developed deep feelings for him was when I had to say goodbye to him at the JFK airport after we had spent a whole week here in New York. I felt like my heart was shattered into millions of pieces. Because I thought that was the end of our fairy tale.
There were times I told myself perhaps I should just give up on Javi and prevent myself from any more heartache, but then part of me can never let go. So I pray, I go to the St. Patrick Cathedral Church literally every day during my lunch hour. Asking the higher power for a sign. A sign that says he is the one. Every morning when I wake up and see his texts, it brings me sunshine, each time when I see him smile, it brings me joy, and every conversation I have with him, it gives me comfort. Without realizing, I have somehow removed all my guards. Because I have learned to trust him and believe when he says he really cares for me. He helps me to get in touch with my past, but he also takes my hand and guides me to move forward. When we went to Disney World together, I explained to him why I never like an amusement park because I never have a family to go with. He took my hand and assured me that I will never have to feel alone again. It was that moment, I had realized this is the man I have been searching for my entire life. He is my winning lottery ticket to happiness. And he is the man that I destined to be with. I have to go through my past, beaten to the rock bottom, and lost all hopes of living just so I can genuinely understand love in the most profound way. I know he is the guy that I have to love with everything I have. I want to be the best man, boyfriend, husband, partner for him, treasure him every day as if it is our last.
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